Leaders, How to Approach the Conversation You’re Putting Off

Recently I had an engaging conversation with Chris Templeton, Founder of Oh The Stories We Tell. We chatted about a variety of leadership topics, focusing on challenging conversations…

You know, the ones many of us prefer to put off: maybe someone on your team shows up late three times in as many days…somebody drops the ball and misses a key deadline…or it seems like a “good” employee has gone “bad” suddenly.

I’ve got some highlights of our chat, where we covered simple solutions to make having those “difficult” conversations a whole lot easier. Find out how you can come from a place of confidence & curiosity to achieve better results.

Are You a Manager - Or A Leader?

Sometimes we tend to generalize and say that you're either a manager or you're a leader. I personally feel that when we're leading people, we wear a lot of hats. Whether you consider yourself a leader, a manager, or a little bit of both, Chris has a simple, powerful question for you to ask:

“Am I serving myself and the people that I'm working with?”

Think about a time when something annoying happened with one of your team members…maybe they showed up late several times, or they missed a deadline.

What’s your response? Do you roar, “What in the world were you thinking??” Or take a more personable approach, asking, “Dude, what is going on?”

About that first approach, Chris explains that it “doesn't serve me, because now I've got an employee who is unhappy to speak with me, who dreads it.”

And who does that serve? No one.

The Need for Authentic Leadership

When we can come from a place of authenticity, it enables us to look at both the “good” and the “bad” – and we can be more curious about the “why…”

“When I'm in that curious place, I'm authentic because I'm asking questions: Hey, bud, what's going on? You know, I noticed that you've been late five times in the last six days. What's up? Is everything okay? And as opposed to: ‘This cannot go on like this.’”

Interestingly, Chris has seen an increase in imposter syndrome, where someone says, “I just feel like a phony. I feel like a fake.”

What people don't realize, Chris explained, is that's just a story they're telling themselves- it’s just how we're wired.

He calls it the Protector, commonly known as the ego or inner critic. The Protector is great at finding the problems – when it comes to finding solutions…not so much.

It’s a natural part of how the human brain works, comparable to an overprotective parent that wants to keep you safe. “I think that it’s so important that people recognize that ‘I'm wired for it’…when we're in problem orientation mode, we’re wired to prove that we're right.”

The key is to recognize it, then to put things in perspective, take a step back. Its what people often refer to as “just let me get out of my head…”

How Do You Perceive Your Team Members?

Watch out for your own internal judgments that don’t serve you – or anyone else. For instance, do you mentally segregate people based on their age? It’s more common than you may realize. We may each have our own expectations of different generations, then we shape our preprogrammed (and often ineffective) response: “This is how I need to interact with this/that ‘type’ of person.”

This is a big disservice, Chris explained.

When we go into that set-in-stone, pre-conceived thought process, it doesn't allow each person to be who they really are. It limits them – and it limits our ability to lead.

A Leader’s Job Isn’t to Fix People

Many people think that leaders have to “fix” everything.

Our job is not to fix other people. It's not to fix challenges. It's to see the solutions and help other people act on it.

Chris pointed out that a true leader helps everyone they're managing to be their own leaders.

If he has cranky staff who are not serving themselves or anybody around them, he deflates the emotional balloon and gets back to that place of authenticity, where he’s curious and willing to look at the negativity around.

Chris had a policy whereby he told his staff if they want to get mad at another employee, come see him first. Why? To get all the air out of their balloon of frustration and have a curious conversation about why the anger is happening.

When he started doing that with people, it was a game changer. It kept out the toxicity and helped people to move into an authentic place more often. 

Want Productive Conversations? Stay Curious.

Stay in curiosity yourself, figure out what judgments you're making, even before you go into that conversation. It will make you much more capable of holding that space. These conversations get easier the more often you have them, even though we tend to avoid them.

Let’s get back to the employee who has been late five times in the past: Why did we need to have it happen five times before we addressed it?

That’s not serving anybody. When someone is late two times, you tell yourself you’ll talk to them at the end of the week - if it happens again. And then they don't show up late. You breathe a sigh of relief, believing the problem is fixed – really, is it fixed? Are you sure?

Now think about the other person: they probably don’t know that you were upset or that they were doing something wrong. How do you know that they actually solved the problem or connected the dots that they need to show up on time if you don't have that conversation?

Leaders, Look Out for “the Protector”

We often feel like we must build a solid case to even have the conversation in the first place. Putting it off or hoping that the problem magically vanishes causes us to miss a vital opportunity to correct the issue in a much gentler, happier, easier conversation.

Chris noted that it’s important to recognize that when you're resistant and don't want to face something, it’s that little hardwired part of you “the Protector” keeping you safe. Try these tips:

• Listen to what the important information is, know the facts.

• Then figure out how to let the air out of your own emotional balloon by being curious about it.

• Recognize that everyone is hardwired with this “Protector,” not just you.

We all think that this is only happening with us - and try to prove that we're right.

Appreciate that from a curious place - from an authentic place – in a workplace, there are many protectors trying to prove they're right. That’s not serving anybody.

We all have tough days. When we can recognize – appreciate, even – that this is how everybody's wired - we look at the situation from a curious place.

Envision yourself in this curious place, where you’re authentic. It can completely transform how you lead and manage people. It establishes the truth that really, everyone wants the same thing:  a productive, effective, and enjoyable place to work.

Want to hear more of the conversation? View the complete video here.

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